Glamour List: 10 Ways to Fix a Bad Day Fast

Yes, I'll be the first to admit it...Glamour magazine is one of my guilty pleasures. Always has been, and likely always will be. One of my favorite parts of the magazine is the "Glamour List"...and here's one from the April 2010 edition that I thnk everyone needs to be reminded of once in a while:

• Rub your own feet. Who needs a whipped boyfriend?
• Kiss someone. Bonus points if they're over 83 or under three.
• Put on your highest heels - or take those suckers off!
• Throw caution to the wind and actually smile at a stranger.
• Have an orgasm, maybe two. (It's how he'd handle it, right?)
• Catnap, preferably with a cat (or a dog).
• Go into closet. Shut door. Scream. Feel a little silly for screaming in closet. Carry on.
• Get off that weird fad diet immediately. It's wrecking your day...and your metabolism!
• Just give up and put your hair in a ponytail.
• Stop waiting for ________ to make you happy. You're in charge!

If you're not reading Glamour, maybe you should. They do a good job of combining frugalista fashions with high-priced ones. :) A one-year subscription will cost you $1 per month!

Joke Archives: Choosing a Wife

This particular joke is dedicated to Erin...I hope this one still makes you laugh up there. :)

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more a attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

If you don't send this to five OLD friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.

Fate: Always There, Like it or Not

Fate is everywhere, I tell you. Even on social networking sites.

I logged into my Facebook (FB) account late one night and landed on my account's homepage. Now, those familiar with FB will know that your bookmarks/quick links appear on the left, your news feed/updates from friends are in the middle, then there is a plethora of "stuff" in the right-nav.

After skimming through the latest updates from my FB family, I looked on the right side - specifically, at the "Suggestions" section. The second picture in the section was of my friend Erin, and FB urged me to "reconnect with her - send her a message". Of course, I immediately went to her profile to post something on her wall.

When I got there, something stopped me. Something told me to look and see what her other friends were saying...so I did. And what I found was unbelievable.

Message after message was posted on Erin's wall - all saying how much they missed her. After reading through a couple of the posts, I shook my head in disbelief and asked myself, "How could you have missed something like this?" Not wanting to confirm my suspicions, but knew I had to in order to set my mind at ease, I entered "Erin Maureen Swainston" into the search box on Google. The very first link confirmed my suspicions:

No obvious clues yet in Vancouver murder-suicide | OregonLive.com

A wave of sadness immediately washed over me. I was stunned. Now, granted, Erin and I hadn't kept in touch as well as I would have liked in the past 2-3 years. However, there would still be a random email or message sent, once in a blue moon - always just a "Hey! How's it going?" type of message going one way or the other. The fact of the matter is that you just never forget the people who influence your life, leaving their mark and making you the person you are today. Erin was one of those people.

My heart, thoughts and prayers go out to her daughter, Bailey Jo, and her mom Jeanni. For Bailey, I cannot begin to imagine what it's like for a 6-year-old to lose her mother and father in the same day. For Jeanni, I cannot imagine what it is like for a parent to outlive their child. Erin was only 34.

Erin, since I didn't get a chance to tell you often enough: I'm glad to have met you...I'm glad you were a friend. Thank you. Hugs...and much aloha...

ERIN MAUREEN SWAINSTON
Jan. 16, 1975 ~ Dec. 2, 2009

"Baby, I Got Your Money..."

Was following one of these on the 101 freeway this afternoon.

Damn, people in LA have too much money. Perhaps I should start reading some of these personal finance & investing books so that I can spend that kind of $$ too...

   

Fun with Etiquette: Work it Out

You know one or more of these questions has floated around in your brain while at the gym...at one point or another. "No way, " you say, "I haven't thought about ANY of these things!" Maybe...or maybe you're just not admitting it. Either way, I'm publishing it here because (a) it makes for a good read and (b) you know it's something you've heard at some point during your encounters with a gym. These questions and answers were published in the February 2010 edition of In Style magazine, in the "Life, Etc." section.

What's an appropriate amount of nudity in the locker room?
It's less about how naked and more about how long you're in the buff. This isn't your home. Do what you need to - just keep time in your birthday suit brief so others aren't uncomfortable. (*note from LA808Girl - yes, this means you, ye who walks aorund the locker room naked before AND after showering and holding fully-fledged conversations with everyone in sight!)

The woman on the treadmill near me chats nonstop on her phone. How do I get her to keep it down?
Sometimes a simple look in her direction can suffice. Or tap her on the shoulder and let her know she's bothering you. If that makes you uneasy and your club has a formal "no cell phone" policy, alert the front desk. A staffer will handle the situation. (If no such policy exists, talk to a manager about implementing one.) (*note from LA808Girl - I'm not even sure how comfortable I would be with telling someone, "Shut the eff up, I'm working out over here!" Well, a little more eloquently, of course)

I love a good workout but not the sweat someone has left behind. What's the best approach?
You're within your rights to say politely, "Excuse me, but could you plesae wipe that down before you go?" And when you're exercising, carry a towel to cover benches or other surfaces before you use them to avoid becoming part of the problem yourself. (*note from LA808Girl - oh damn, and here I was just carrying around a towel because I didn't want to catch some sort of sweat fungus or something, not because I sweat on the benches! HA HA!)

I'm stuck next to a personal-space invader during a class. Help!
Some people lack spatial awareness, meaning she many not even realize she's too close. Ask, "Would you mind if we gave ourselves a few more inches?" Deal with repeat offenders by having your instructor address zoning issues at the start of the next group session. (*note from LA808Girl - I don't know about everyone else, but sometimes the music is so loud I'd need a megaphone to "ask politely" that they step up off my shizz. Yeah, don't think that would work @ my gym...I'd be yelling, not asking nicely.)

How do I handle equipment hogs?
Most should be willing to step out of the way or alternate sets with you. A simple "May I work in with you?" is a reasonable request. (*note from LA808Girl - unless that equipment hog is sweating all over the equipment. See answer to question #3. )

I'm training for a marathon. Does the 30-minute limit on cardio machines really apply?
When others are waiting, a rule's a rule. Avoid peak hours (generally 6 to 9am, 11am to 2pm, and 5:30 to 7:30pm). Keep in mind that pros stress alternating cardio equipment to build endurance. If your time is up on a treadmill, hop on the Stairmaster, elliptical or bike. (*note from LA808Girl - there was the one lady at another gym who managed to be "using" every type of cardio machine at the same time. When you walk up to one, she'd run across from another machine and exclaim, "I'm using that one!" Yeah, right, lady. )

I swear, people in the world today...

So, I was at the grocery store the other day...

I pulled into the parking lot and just parked the car in any old spot, first one I saw. Now, if you know me, you KNOW this is not the norm - I always look for an "end" space (less of a chance to get door dings!), never in the middle. However, this time, I thought to myself, "I'm only going to be in there for five minutes - run in, run out - it will be fine."

As I pulled into the parking spot, I noticed that the passenger door of the car on my left was open. Not ajar, but not wide open either - just enough to be slightly in the space I was trying to park in. I waited for a bit, thinking the person in the car would hear my car and close the door a bit. Nope. Not wanting to block the aisle, I pulled into the spot (carefully!) after about 15 seconds.

Turning the car off, I looked over and waited for the guy to pull the door in a bit so I could get out. Strike two. He sat there, staring at me as if to say, "Well? What are you waiting for? You going to sit there all night?" Sheesh...okay, okay, fine. After sitting there for a half a minute, I opened the door and squeezed myself out of the car.

Now, for those who know me and how particular I am with my parking spots, you are saying to yourself, "DSD, what the heck are you doing parking between two cars? Were the spaces the size of Texas?" I shall explain. Since I was stopping at the store for just 2 things, I knew where to find it and knew it would only take me about 5 minutes to get in and out of there. Lo and behold, it literally took me about 4 1/2 minutes to find the stuff I needed and complete the check-out process.

I made my way back to the car, only to find the guy still ariring out his car. I approached and paused for a second, then asked, "Excuse me, could you please close your door a couple of inches, just so I can get in my car?"

Guy peers out from behind the center beam of the car, looks at me, looks at my car, then looks at me again and declares, "No, I'm good."

Uh...not quite what I asked, douchebag. You and your skinny jeans-wearing, emo haircut-ing arse can close the door, or I will close it for you! Man, some people just don't teach their kids manners anymore.

Maybe if they read my blog, they could purchase one of these fine books and LEARN some manners.

How Does "20 Out of 20 Correct" = 95%?

Created by Oatmeal

So, I took the "Twitter Spelling" quiz on TheOatmeal.com site today. When I was finished with the quiz, it displayed my score/results - out of 20 questions, I got 20 correct, yet it told me I got a 95%?!? How does THAT work? I'm no math major, but I can tell you 20 out of 20 is not 95%.

In any case, I rule at spelling. :)

Cat Tricks: Rocky & the Magic Door

Our cat, Rocky, has figured out how to open any door in the house...all by himself. Since we don't have doorknobs, it's a little easier for him to open the doors, but it's still a sight to see. Watch and see how he does it - it's impressive! =^..^=

Joke Archives: Church Bulletin Bloopers

Well, isn't that SPECIAL? Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services.

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
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Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing:
"Break Forth Into Joy."
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow..
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday : "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours".

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Joke Archives: Pet Diaries

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DOG DIARY:
8:00 am - Dog Food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

CAT DIARY:

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I
had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly
demonstrates what I am capable of, however, they merely made condescending
comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.

Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed
in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could
hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems
to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the
guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors
have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is
safe..... for now.

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Healthcare Debate - California Death Spiral

For the 800,000 Californians who buy health insurance on the individual market, the announcement indicating that they should expect rate hikes (in some cases, as high as 39%). Anthem Blue Cross (WellPoint) claims that the rate hikes are not "profiteering"; instead, they are necessary because the company is facing a classic insurance death spiral.

The author of the article posted on the New York Times website today offered an interesting perspective on the argument that states we need a national healthcare solution:

"...some claim that health costs would fall dramatically if only insurance companies were allowed to sell policies across state lines. But California is already a huge market, with much more insurance competition than in other states; unfortunately, insurers compete mainly by trying to excel in the art of denying coverage to those who need it most. And competition hasn’t averted a death spiral. So why would creating a national market make things better?"

Just something to think about when the guys up on the Hill start talking about healthcare again...

Joke Archives: Mother of the Bride

'For Better or Worse" by Lynn Johnston (strip courtesy of The Comics Curmudgeon)

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Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement, not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear to wear and would be the best dressed mother of the bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother! Jennifer asked her stepmom to exchange the dress, but she refused. "Absolutely not," she replied, "I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it!"

Jennifer told her mother, who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheard, I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day." A few days later, they went shopping and did find another dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."

Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm going to be wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding."

Now I ask you...is there a woman out there, anywhere, who wouldn't enjoy this story? :)

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Johnny Weir's Poker Face

I hadn't realized that this occurred, otherwise I would have posted it sooner. Johnny Weir skated to (and channeled) Lady Gaga's 'Poker Face' during his 1/25/10 exhibition performance at the US Nationals. If I do say so myself, his makeup is definitely Gaga-esque, but his costume isn't crazy Gaga enough. But I guess it would be quite difficult to land a triple axel with a bird's nest on your head. :D

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Switch That Turns on the Spread of Cancer Discovered

Does this mean we're one step closer to finding a cure for cancer? One can only hope. I, like many, know far too many people who have been affected by some form of cancer, so I really do hope that this means we are that much closer to finding cures.

The article states that this "switch" generally provokes the fatal process in breast, ovarian, pancreatic and colorectal cancers.

Sad...I have lost family members to three of the four mentioned above.

Read more about this discovery here:
http://www.blogger.com/

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T.I. & Rihanna Channel Thoreau...Live Your Life

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined."
-Henry David Thoreau

I found this quote randomly tonight and feel as though I need to take something from this statement to heart. It's something my mother always wanted for me, it sounds like something she would have said...

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Joke Archives: Chapstick Kid

So, I've been reading through some old emails I had saved since...well, ever. I found some old jokes and stories that I kept for a reason, laughing again as I re-read them. I figured I needed a place to store all of these findings, so my blog is now the medium. Enjoy! :)

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So, we had this great 10 year old cat named Jack who just recently died. Jack was a great cat and the kids would carry him around and sit on him and nothing ever bothered him. He used to hang out and nap all day long on this mat in our bathroom.

Well, we have 3 kids and at the time of this story they were 4 years old, 3 years old and 1 year old. The middle one is Eli. Eli really loves chapstick. LOVES it. He kept asking to use my chapstick and then losing it. So finally one day I showed him where in the bathroom
I keep my chapstick and how he could use it whenever he wanted to, but he needed to put it right back in the drawer when he was done.

Last year on Mother's Day, we were having the typical rush around and try to get ready for Church with everyone crying and carrying on. My two boys are fighting over the toy in the cereal box. I am trying to nurse my little one at the same time I am putting on my make-up.
Everything is a mess and everyone has long forgotten that this is a wonderful day to honor me and the amazing job that is motherhood.

We finally have the older one and the baby loaded in the car and I am looking for Eli. I have searched everywhere and I finally round the corner to go into the bathroom. And there was Eli. He was applying my chapstick very carefully to Jack's . . . rear end. Eli looked right into my eyes and said "chapped." Now if you have a cat, you know that he is right--their little butts do look pretty chapped. And, frankly, Jack didn't seem to mind.

And the only question to really ask at that point was whether it was the FIRST time Eli had done that to the cat's behind or the hundredth.

And THAT is my favorite Mother's Day moment ever because it reminds us that no matter how hard we try to civilize these glorious little creatures, there will always be that day when you realize they've been using your chapstick on the cat's butt.

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Teeth vs. No Teeth...THAT is the Question...

So, a new friend told me this story at lunch one day, and it was just so dang funny I felt as though I had to share. After all, a funny story should be passed on, right? Well, here goes...

My friend has a buddy who is from the South...we'll call him "BAMA" for the purposes of this entry. He is a good ol' boy, with proper manners and is as American as apple pie if-ya-know-what-I-mean. BAMA, being from the South, was dating a girl from the South at one point in his life (shocking, I know).

As they continued along the dating road, BAMA discovered that the girl he's dating used to be a crack addict. "Who cares?" you might ask. Bear with me, this tidbit of information will be important in a bit. Trust me.

"No biggie," he thought to himself. At the end of one of their dates, things started to get a little hot and heavy. She, in their throes of passion, decided that she needed to pay a visit to his Bratwurst. As she's about to do the deed, she asks, "Teeth in or out?"

BAMA pondered this for a moment, then declared, "Well, I've had teeth in my whole life, let's try teeth out." So, out they came and the next question was: "OK, lights on or off?"

After thinking for a split second, BAMA quickly proclaimed that the lights "definitely need to be off".

Apparently he was willing to experiment, but didn't want to actually see the experiment in action! :)

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