Thursday, February 25, 2010

Cat Tricks: Rocky & the Magic Door

Our cat, Rocky, has figured out how to open any door in the house...all by himself. Since we don't have doorknobs, it's a little easier for him to open the doors, but it's still a sight to see. Watch and see how he does it - it's impressive! =^..^=

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Joke Archives: Church Bulletin Bloopers

Well, isn't that SPECIAL? Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services.

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
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Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing:
"Break Forth Into Joy."
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow..
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday : "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours".

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Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Joke Archives: Pet Diaries


8:00 am - Dog Food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I
had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly
demonstrates what I am capable of, however, they merely made condescending
comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.


There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed
in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could
hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems
to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the
guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors
have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is
safe..... for now.

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Monday, February 22, 2010

Healthcare Debate - California Death Spiral

For the 800,000 Californians who buy health insurance on the individual market, the announcement indicating that they should expect rate hikes (in some cases, as high as 39%). Anthem Blue Cross (WellPoint) claims that the rate hikes are not "profiteering"; instead, they are necessary because the company is facing a classic insurance death spiral.

The author of the article posted on the New York Times website today offered an interesting perspective on the argument that states we need a national healthcare solution:

"...some claim that health costs would fall dramatically if only insurance companies were allowed to sell policies across state lines. But California is already a huge market, with much more insurance competition than in other states; unfortunately, insurers compete mainly by trying to excel in the art of denying coverage to those who need it most. And competition hasn’t averted a death spiral. So why would creating a national market make things better?"
Just something to think about when the guys up on the Hill start talking about healthcare again...

Joke Archives: Mother of the Bride

'For Better or Worse" by Lynn Johnston (strip courtesy of The Comics Curmudgeon)


Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement, not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear to wear and would be the best dressed mother of the bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother! Jennifer asked her stepmom to exchange the dress, but she refused. "Absolutely not," she replied, "I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it!"

Jennifer told her mother, who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheard, I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day." A few days later, they went shopping and did find another dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."

Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm going to be wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding."

Now I ask there a woman out there, anywhere, who wouldn't enjoy this story? :)

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Johnny Weir's Poker Face

I hadn't realized that this occurred, otherwise I would have posted it sooner. Johnny Weir skated to (and channeled) Lady Gaga's 'Poker Face' during his 1/25/10 exhibition performance at the US Nationals. If I do say so myself, his makeup is definitely Gaga-esque, but his costume isn't crazy Gaga enough. But I guess it would be quite difficult to land a triple axel with a bird's nest on your head. :D

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Switch That Turns on the Spread of Cancer Discovered

Does this mean we're one step closer to finding a cure for cancer? One can only hope. I, like many, know far too many people who have been affected by some form of cancer, so I really do hope that this means we are that much closer to finding cures.

The article states that this "switch" generally provokes the fatal process in breast, ovarian, pancreatic and colorectal cancers.

Sad...I have lost family members to three of the four mentioned above.

Read more about this discovery here:

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

T.I. & Rihanna Channel Thoreau...Live Your Life

"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined."
-Henry David Thoreau

I found this quote randomly tonight and feel as though I need to take something from this statement to heart. It's something my mother always wanted for me, it sounds like something she would have said...

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Friday, February 5, 2010

Joke Archives: Chapstick Kid

So, I've been reading through some old emails I had saved since...well, ever. I found some old jokes and stories that I kept for a reason, laughing again as I re-read them. I figured I needed a place to store all of these findings, so my blog is now the medium. Enjoy! :)


So, we had this great 10 year old cat named Jack who just recently died. Jack was a great cat and the kids would carry him around and sit on him and nothing ever bothered him. He used to hang out and nap all day long on this mat in our bathroom.

Well, we have 3 kids and at the time of this story they were 4 years old, 3 years old and 1 year old. The middle one is Eli. Eli really loves chapstick. LOVES it. He kept asking to use my chapstick and then losing it. So finally one day I showed him where in the bathroom
I keep my chapstick and how he could use it whenever he wanted to, but he needed to put it right back in the drawer when he was done.

Last year on Mother's Day, we were having the typical rush around and try to get ready for Church with everyone crying and carrying on. My two boys are fighting over the toy in the cereal box. I am trying to nurse my little one at the same time I am putting on my make-up.
Everything is a mess and everyone has long forgotten that this is a wonderful day to honor me and the amazing job that is motherhood.

We finally have the older one and the baby loaded in the car and I am looking for Eli. I have searched everywhere and I finally round the corner to go into the bathroom. And there was Eli. He was applying my chapstick very carefully to Jack's . . . rear end. Eli looked right into my eyes and said "chapped." Now if you have a cat, you know that he is right--their little butts do look pretty chapped. And, frankly, Jack didn't seem to mind.

And the only question to really ask at that point was whether it was the FIRST time Eli had done that to the cat's behind or the hundredth.

And THAT is my favorite Mother's Day moment ever because it reminds us that no matter how hard we try to civilize these glorious little creatures, there will always be that day when you realize they've been using your chapstick on the cat's butt.

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Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Teeth vs. No Teeth...THAT is the Question...

So, a new friend told me this story at lunch one day, and it was just so dang funny I felt as though I had to share. After all, a funny story should be passed on, right? Well, here goes...

My friend has a buddy who is from the South...we'll call him "BAMA" for the purposes of this entry. He is a good ol' boy, with proper manners and is as American as apple pie if-ya-know-what-I-mean. BAMA, being from the South, was dating a girl from the South at one point in his life (shocking, I know).

As they continued along the dating road, BAMA discovered that the girl he's dating used to be a crack addict. "Who cares?" you might ask. Bear with me, this tidbit of information will be important in a bit. Trust me.

"No biggie," he thought to himself. At the end of one of their dates, things started to get a little hot and heavy. She, in their throes of passion, decided that she needed to pay a visit to his Bratwurst. As she's about to do the deed, she asks, "Teeth in or out?"

BAMA pondered this for a moment, then declared, "Well, I've had teeth in my whole life, let's try teeth out." So, out they came and the next question was: "OK, lights on or off?"

After thinking for a split second, BAMA quickly proclaimed that the lights "definitely need to be off".

Apparently he was willing to experiment, but didn't want to actually see the experiment in action! :)

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